I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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