new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
