The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
