You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
