FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
