She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
