looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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