I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
