watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize