No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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