So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
