We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
