then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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