im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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