At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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