I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
