something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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