when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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