we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just pee around me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
