Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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