I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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