I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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