they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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