Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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