I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
