guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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