My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize