come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
