just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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