I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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