Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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