M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
