Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
