I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
