Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
