Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
