before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
