So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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