you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
