Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
