why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
