Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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