Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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