I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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