I cockslap morals
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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