Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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