textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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