I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
