is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Enjoy the penises
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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