She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
