Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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