im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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