Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
