Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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