I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
