I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
