What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
