Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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