Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
