Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
